Fun interview with the very intelligent and highly entertaining, Dr. Lisa Paz. Dr. Paz is a board-certified sex therapist, with a doctorate in Sexology, as well as a licensed Family Therapist. In this episode we discuss various topics related to sex and parenting. She emphasizes the importance of age-appropriate conversations about sex and body acceptance. Dr. Paz also addresses the impact of technology on kids' exposure to sexual content and the need for teaching consent. In the context of adult sexual issues, she highlights the role of mental and physical health in maintaining a satisfying sex life. Dr. Paz provides practical tips for improving communication and intimacy in relationships. Dr. Lisa Paz also discusses the importance of communication in parenting and how to talk to kids about sex. She emphasizes the need for open and honest conversations, providing age-appropriate information, and addressing any discomfort or fear parents may have. Dr. Paz also highlights the importance of navigating difficult conversations and building trust with children. She concludes by of course sharing a few intimacy tips for guys.
Takeaways
Fun interview with the very intelligent and highly entertaining, Dr. Lisa Paz. Dr. Paz is a board-certified sex therapist, with a doctorate in Sexology, as well as a licensed Family Therapist. In this episode we discuss various topics related to sex and parenting. She emphasizes the importance of age-appropriate conversations about sex and body acceptance. Dr. Paz also addresses the impact of technology on kids' exposure to sexual content and the need for teaching consent. In the context of adult sexual issues, she highlights the role of mental and physical health in maintaining a satisfying sex life. Dr. Paz provides practical tips for improving communication and intimacy in relationships. Dr. Lisa Paz also discusses the importance of communication in parenting and how to talk to kids about sex. She emphasizes the need for open and honest conversations, providing age-appropriate information, and addressing any discomfort or fear parents may have. Dr. Paz also highlights the importance of navigating difficult conversations and building trust with children. She concludes by of course sharing a few intimacy tips for guys.
Takeaways
Robert (00:01.042)
Hey everyone and welcome back to the Dad to Dad's Podcast. Today's topic, sex. All things sex, how to talk to your kids about sex, what age should you talk to about sex, body acceptance, technology concerns, consent, and if time permits, we might even get a few sex and relationship tips as well.
And you're fortunate enough that I'm not going to be the one providing that advice. No, instead today, I get the pleasure of interviewing a board certified sex therapist who also has a doctorate in clinical sexology, as well as she's also a licensed marriage and family therapist. And today I want to welcome to the dad to dad's podcast, the very informative as well as fun and energetic
Dr. Lisa Paz. Welcome to the show.
lisa paz (00:57.634)
Thank you so much. I am so psyched to be here. I love everything we're about to talk about today. And I love that it's a dad's podcast because I feel like moms often get relegated to do some of the heavy lifting. Listen, all love to the dads. But I love that the dads are like about it, about it to do these talks. And I do think we should or will reserve some time for the grownup sex talk too. All right, all right, why not?
Robert (01:19.746)
There we go. Well, tell me this, what did I miss about you in the introduction?
lisa paz (01:25.586)
What did you miss? I'm a mom of three. I think from a professional standpoint you got it. I've been in private practice almost 20 years. I'm adjunct faculty at UM where I teach other therapists how to do sex therapy. So I mean this is like my warm water. I'm very happy to talk about it and excited at all times.
Robert (01:43.586)
couple of other things, your Instagram page. I love it. It's one of my favorite. Seriously. Yeah, it really is. I love I love looking at it. And then you have what is it? Just the tip Tuesday and was a hump day humor. So I highly recommend for everybody out there and is under it's Dr. Lisa Paz is the Instagram. Yeah.
lisa paz (01:46.795)
Oh, for real?
lisa paz (01:55.594)
us the tip Tuesday. Yeah.
lisa paz (02:04.702)
You got it. Thank you for asking. Yes, the handle is Dr. Lisa Paz. That's right. That's right. Yep.
Robert (02:08.714)
And that's P-A-Z. So highly recommend that. One other thing through research, I think I found out you were also on the Kardashians as well as the Real Housewives of Miami. Is that correct?
lisa paz (02:21.71)
It is correct, yes, over the years I've made fun appearances on some big pop shows. Yes, yes, all good stuff.
Robert (02:28.686)
I noticed that I was looking you up last night. I was doing some research. And I'm like, wait, she was on there as well? So that's great. Well, look, there is so much that I would absolutely love to ask you. And I mean, I could go on and on with this. But I want to keep it to a minimum. And so just to start it off, the three thoughts that come into your mind when you think about today's youth,
lisa paz (02:35.582)
Yes, yes, look, you are well informed.
lisa paz (02:48.151)
Okay.
Robert (02:58.478)
20s, you know, up to, or maybe early to mid 20s. When you think about them and sex, what are the three thoughts that come into your head immediately?
lisa paz (03:08.194)
people in their 20s, early 20s we're calling youth. I know, I guess for me too, if I'm being real, it hurts my heart though. I thought you were gonna be like youth 13. Oh my God, I'm like yes, you're right. Three thoughts, one, the comparative culture of social media and the impact it's having on sex. Two, the pressure to perform and sort of just be all out there.
Robert (03:09.866)
Yeah, yeah. Well, for me, they are.
lisa paz (03:35.49)
Three, the privilege of being in a sex positive culture overall, right? So I think that there's pluses and minuses attached to it. So I think there's pressure, there's privilege, and there's a lot of comparative culture out there that is challenging.
Robert (03:47.966)
What, so let me ask you this, sex today, do you think more people having sex today versus 20 years ago?
lisa paz (03:57.55)
That's a great question. I think people are having different kinds of sex. I think that people are more open and feel freer to explore more today than they did 20 years ago. I think female sexuality has taken a big leap forward as it relates. And I guess this when you talk about youth, 20-year-old youth, right? Really, it just hurt my heart with that one. My whole ego just dying here.
Robert (04:20.546)
Sorry about that.
lisa paz (04:26.782)
women have taken a big leap as it relates to being able to claim pleasure, being able to say what they want, being able to be more affirmative. I still think they have a long way to go, but that's one of the big things that I see is that sex for women has changed a lot. Yeah, yeah, I also think consent at all ages has gotten, I don't know, weirder, but I think that's a big piece, right? That it's harder times to have sex these days.
Robert (04:55.458)
So let me ask you this, going into what you view as youth. So let's say teenagers. Thoughts, sex, youths.
lisa paz (05:02.756)
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes. So listen, I mean, I think that there's the teens, I think are having sex earlier than they did 20 years ago, you know, because of social media, because everything is all access, because of pornography, because you can walk around and sort of get access to content that you couldn't get access to 20 years ago. And so I think people are exploring sexuality sooner. And I mean, even if you look at...
I would even say 10 years ago, I look at these girls that are 12, 15, even 20 year olds, they look like grown, sexy women. And I look at like when I was that age, right? And like, you looked like a kid. I mean, they looked like kids. So, you know, I think we're just in a more sexualized culture overall, but I don't think parents are talking about. I still think that this country is like very sexualized out loud, but at the dinner table, still very conservative or afraid to talk about.
Robert (05:47.275)
Yeah.
Robert (06:03.746)
So I'm going to get to that in a minute. But one thing I want to ask you, you said there have been more sex. But is there any, I've read a lot where the guys, the males, aren't having as much sex because of the easy access to pornography. Is that true? Or?
lisa paz (06:20.114)
Very, very true. So, okay, so good, good point. I think kids overall are more sexualized. Boys are actually showing a preference towards pornography as time goes on. Like we're seeing delayed ejaculation, erectile dysfunction in younger and younger males due to pornography, due to the fact that they are starting their sexual programming, all their neural networking attached to eroticism and fantasies and masturbation and sexuality. In this...
that is so tailor-made to what they want, it's almost creating both a sexual ADD, if you will, and also a sexual dependence or a very narrow pathway on what gets them off. So yes, I mean, I think that that's fair game as it relates to boys are just as happy to masturbate than they are to have partnered sex on many occasions these days. Unfortunately so.
Robert (07:11.05)
Yeah, that's that that's interesting. Shocking too. So let me let me ask you this. So you took to go what you brought up a minute ago, talking to your kids about sex. What age we were talking offline and I, you know, I can't remember it was either fourth or fifth grade. For each of my sons when I had the talk, they knew about body anatomy, they, you know, they knew that but then it was a time where okay, let's go have a lunch.
And let's really just laid it all out there. I mean, I did. I mean, I went from A to Z, didn't leave anything out, didn't included every slang term there was. Of course, I used the proper medical terms. And one, I'll have to go back and correct. Because of your site, I learned.
vulva versus vagina. There you go. So I am gonna have to go back and tell them I was wrong. I don't know how I'm gonna bring that up in conversation, but I will. But when is the proper time? Is there an age? Is it maturity? And how do you go about that?
lisa paz (08:05.858)
Volva!
lisa paz (08:13.486)
I love it.
lisa paz (08:21.574)
Yes, this is the core of it. So you said something that I think is very important, right? The anatomy discussion is what lays the foundation. So we should be talking about anatomy very early on and it's perfectly okay to toggle between like pet names and anatomically correct names, right? You don't need your seven-year-old to always be referring to the vulva, right? Whatever you pet name it in your house, it's okay, but they should actually know anatomy too. What that does is it lays the foundation for uh...
the harder talks or the more sexualized talks down the line. So body parts and safe touch should start by three, four, five. By five years old, your kids should know the difference between public parts and private parts. And this starts to lay a foundation. So everyone listening, what I'd like to suggest is that it is an incremental building block before you get to the talk. And I would actually even challenge that it's not one talk. It's a series of sort of incremental information drops.
because this is a dad's podcast, right? I would like to also say, it doesn't just need to be gender to gender, right? I encourage dads to be able to talk to daughters and moms to be able to talk to sons because that creates fluidity and because it also cues them that this is fair game. And if you want to be one of the authorities on this topic to your child, then you need to be willing to talk to them about it. So that's sort of the like intro piece, the actual age you also hit on it.
Robert (09:26.626)
Good point.
lisa paz (09:48.254)
there's a maturity piece and a chapter piece. So, you know, some kids are just naturally a little bit more mature and a little more advanced. This is also influenced by if they have older siblings, if they have more time alone, if they're around cousins. Again, for all dads listening, you know, some kids are just like, they land in a more socially advanced space. But I would say by, you know, fifth to seventh grade, your kids should really understand.
what sex is and they should understand the responsibility around it and they should understand what your point of view on when it is okay to start engaging in various sexual behaviors. So one of the things that I hear parents say a lot is, I don't wanna give them too much information because I don't want them to think I'm cool with it. I don't want them to think I'm okay with it. But what research actually shows is the best model is information plus your family values and expectations.
Robert (10:42.434)
There you go. Yeah.
lisa paz (10:43.474)
And so every conversation can be riddled with, by the way, just because I'm telling you this, doesn't mean it's okay to do it. And my invitation to parents in the way to think about this is, you know, our kids know what a car is. That doesn't mean they can drive one at 12 years old. Our kids know what a glass of wine is. Our kids know what a gun is, right? That doesn't mean that they are able to use or ingest or engage in any of these things. It just means they know. And so...
Robert (11:01.422)
Great point.
lisa paz (11:12.694)
what we need to do is sort of implement that because you know this stuff is not a license to do it. It just means I want you to be aware. I am also a big fan of keeping the information in short soundbites as you can because that creates normalcy. It shouldn't be one discussion. It should be myriad of discussions.
Robert (11:30.85)
Yep. Yeah. And it's after that first one, it's so, and you're right. With kind of chapters on that, but it's after that first big discussion, it's so much easier. It's so much easier and going in kind of filling in the holes or whatever. And yeah, there you go. There you go.
lisa paz (11:44.255)
Of course!
lisa paz (11:48.978)
No pun intended. Um, yeah.
Robert (11:53.154)
I mean, it definitely is. So no, and I agree with you. I have had that conversation with people like, oh my gosh, you can't believe you talked to them about it. Now they're gonna think it's okay. And I'm like, no, that doesn't mean it's okay, but look, they're exposed to it through their phones. And they're exposed to it through kids. I mean, through their friends, my goodness.
lisa paz (12:14.258)
If your child, totally. If your child has a phone, they 100% have access to sexual content. And if you wanna get in front of what you want them to think is okay, appropriate, acceptable, then that means that you need to be the front line of communication.
Period. They're going to get that. And this, when you talk about what's different today than 20 years ago, this is one of the big pieces is that the information age and the information dissemination network has expanded so much that these children have access in a way. I mean, I remember growing up, you would like look up a bad word in the dictionary. You looked at like national geographic, right? The.
Robert (12:51.414)
That's what I was about to say, National Geographic. There you go.
lisa paz (12:52.81)
Totally, totally. This is no longer how it goes down. And so parents are just being naive if they think that by not talking about it, their kids won't have access. And again, embedded in these incremental conversations as they get older. So as if we're saying by like seventh grade, they really should understand sex. By seventh, eighth, ninth grade, they really should understand the responsibility attached to sex.
and they need to understand consent, and they need to understand health implications, right? It's not just all about, oh, license to have pleasure or not. It's all the responsibility that comes with sex. Again, like all the responsibility that comes with driving a car, or drinking a glass of wine, or holding a gun, right? All these things that they know about, but they can't do yet because they come with big consequences. Sex is similar.
Robert (13:41.174)
All right, but doctor sometimes, like I remember before I talked to my boys, I mean, I was nervous. I mean, of course I have two sons, so at least I knew about sex, but there was still, how am I gonna approach this? And what advice would you give to parents about that? Just jump in and do it? What, I mean.
lisa paz (13:48.554)
Mm-hmm. Yes!
lisa paz (13:59.575)
Yes.
Mm-hmm. Yes. No, no. Here is my advice, and it's interesting, because I train a lot of parents on how to do this. You need to practice.
your neutrality beforehand. Not only are kids smart, kids know their parents. And if you go into a conversation, awkward or weird or using weird tones of voice, your kids will call bullshit on you real fast. And you are cueing them that not only are you not a credible source, but you are uncomfortable with this conversation and you're doing it out of obligation or awkwardness and you become just less of a person they're gonna come to. So.
What I ask people to do is start practicing some of the harder words, right? Some of the anatomy words, some of the positional words. If you are not comfortable saying it, you are not going to transmit that they should be safe and comfortable saying it. So that means car, shower, when you're alone prepping dinner in the kitchen. You gotta be able to say all of this stuff in neutrality in the same way you would say like, do you want a glass of water? Or do you know what the function of the clitoris is? Do you want chicken Parmesan tonight? Do you know how to have an orgasm? Like...
It needs to look that neutral if you want to be the highest credible communicator.
Robert (15:11.974)
And if not, how are they to come to you one day when they do have questions about that? Are issues or problems?
lisa paz (15:17.628)
Yes, no, they can reach me on Instagram or you can go to my website drlisapaz.com
Robert (15:21.342)
Yeah, but I mean, how would they come to their parents about it? If you're uncomfortable talking about it with your kid, then how are they going to come to you know, how would they come to their parent about it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
lisa paz (15:24.448)
Oh!
lisa paz (15:28.622)
That's exactly right, you become an incredible source. That's exactly right. And so if your goal...
is that you want to be a credible source of information for your child, then you need to show up as a credible communicator with your child, right? And so that means practicing. That means we're, by the way, it means working through your own stuff, right? It means looking at what messages were you given, what messages were you not given, what do you want to perpetuate forward, what don't you, what's your own when everyone has stuff with sex, right? And so, looking at your stuff first.
Robert (15:48.214)
There you go, yeah.
Robert (16:03.626)
So one thing you touched on technology and kids and sex. Talk to me about it.
lisa paz (16:07.083)
Yes.
lisa paz (16:11.39)
Yeah, no, it's not great. It's not great. This is another incentive for parents to get in front of the conversation. So it's not great for several reasons. One, the algorithms attached to TikTok and Instagram jump really quickly. And so if your child likes a picture of a girl and then likes a picture of a girl with a bikini, we're one algorithm away from something that's potentially pornographic. Whether that's fair or not, that's really the way the algorithms are running. And so they are being, not only because I have parents that will tell me like,
for that stuff. Okay, listen, maybe they're not, but that stuff is looking for them unintentionally, right? And so that's one piece. Secondly, for anyone that has children that are sort of coming of age, that are looking at pornography, and again, I know every parent says, mine isn't, okay, yours isn't, but probably they, right, exactly.
Robert (16:45.826)
point. Yeah.
Robert (17:00.532)
Whatever.
lisa paz (17:02.578)
We need to be teaching them that is adult entertainment and it is not indicative of real sex. So part of what we're seeing because of such early pornography watching, like I said, not only delayed ejaculation and erectile dysfunction in younger and younger males, and a preference towards non-partnered sex, but we're seeing both males and females have false expectations.
of what sex looks like or should be. And this is, I think, very true for girls, right? Because you see girls in pornography, and they're getting off really, really fast, and they're, you know, all the things that is not necessarily indicative of real life sex. And so teaching them that this is something that people use as a tool for arousal, but that it's not real. Again, not dissimilar to the way we would watch an action movie.
Robert (17:42.626)
Right.
lisa paz (17:53.462)
But that's not really how you jump out of a plane, right? Like it is for entertainment purposes, they need to be able to make the distinction. And so letting them know that is very important. And for those that have teenage children that are, you know.
Robert (17:55.863)
Hehehehehehe
lisa paz (18:07.95)
I don't know whether they're gonna cop to watching porn or not, but I think that if you have children probably between the ages of 15 and 18, you can bet that they are and they're probably self-pleasuring using it, they cannot become solely dependent on it. So to really be willing to talk to your kids about the collateral damage that's associated with too much pornography and take too young.
Robert (18:28.382)
Wow, that's a lot. I know that's, that's great. That's great. I mean, I think back to when I was growing up, I mean, it was, uh, if you wanted to see breast, you again, national geographic or what are you? Well, yeah. One of your friends, dad's had to, had a subscription and, you know, kept it under the bed or in the bathroom or whatever, and you would go and steal it and, you know, hopefully they didn't come home from work, you know, before you.
lisa paz (18:29.886)
I know, sorry.
lisa paz (18:42.422)
or a playboy if you were lucky enough. Right?
Robert (18:55.37)
you and like four other guys gathered around looking at it, you know, and all the giggles. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
lisa paz (18:56.718)
That's right. Totally, and capturing a mental image, and capturing a mental image, and being able to take that mental image back to your bathroom, right? Here's what's happening now. People are watching pornography, and for anyone that's ever watched it, right? You know how you watch it. Either on a handheld device or an iPad or whatever.
Robert (19:04.854)
Yeah, yeah.
Robert (19:09.314)
There you go.
lisa paz (19:13.394)
And you click and you click really quickly and you watch what you wanna watch for what? 30 seconds, 50 if I'm being generous, right? And then you click to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. And what is happening and why you're seeing delayed ejaculation increase in males is because they are holding their ejaculation patterns to exactly what they wanna get off on, right? They're looking for that exact thing that they wanna come to. And so we're creating sort of this tailor-made network to arousal ejaculation that doesn't translate to partnered sex. So like...
Robert (19:22.519)
Yeah.
lisa paz (19:43.038)
you're talking about the old school playboy, and then you'd hold that mental image, and you'd hope that it was clear enough for the next month or whatever. Now, you know, we're not holding a mental image for longer than 30 seconds. Even if you had a video when you were younger, it was VHS, right? You either watched it or you got up and you pressed fast forward. We were creating almost like a sexual attention deficit here, right, where we just can't focus on anything for too long.
and anything that you want to see, you can see and then ante up and see new content attached to that, which listen, as an idea to keep things fresh is super fun and exciting. I think porn is great for a lot of people, so I don't want to get super down on porn. I think though as a sole reliance on it or particularly for younger generation, if it's not watched in moderation, we're seeing, the numbers aren't lying, the research isn't lying, we're seeing younger and younger males.
that are showing a harder time getting aroused or maintaining an erection or an ejaculation with partnered sex because you go to have a partnered sex and it's not the same network, it's not the same positions, it's not the same noises, it's not as rapid fire. I mean, partnered sex is very cool in its own right, but it is not what you've been training your brain to have a response to and so you're seeing sort of a splice in arousal response.
Robert (20:57.094)
I had no idea it was so damaging for both males and females. I had no idea.
lisa paz (21:00.766)
Yeah, and again, it's also awesome, right? In moderation and used in the, a correct sounds very certain, but.
Robert (21:09.186)
But how as a kid and adolescent, a youth, how are they to know what's moderation, right?
lisa paz (21:14.558)
They're not, which is why it's incumbent on us to talk to them about what they should and shouldn't be looking at or just teaching them the consequences, right? And so, you know, as a parent, you're a dad, I'm a mom, half of parenting is teaching them the consequences to their actions. It doesn't matter what action. It can be a benign action. Not studying for a test means you're not going to do it, right? So some of this is also just about teaching them that sex...
Robert (21:31.266)
There you go, yep.
lisa paz (21:41.866)
masturbation, pornography, dating, it all has consequences and we need to help them connect to the consequences. With sex, it's really important because you're fighting pleasure, right? And so, you know, when people, especially young people, first discover what it means to have that kind of pleasure, wow, it's amazing, right? It's amazing. And so...
Robert (21:54.519)
Right.
lisa paz (22:06.498)
getting them to understand that with that amazingness, there's also really big consequences and really big responsibilities. That's our job. That's part of our job is to help them connect that this is awesome and pleasurable and very cool and feels amazing. But boy, does it come with consequences.
Robert (22:25.006)
So let me ask you about this consent.
lisa paz (22:28.426)
Mmm. Yes. Huge. It's always been huge. I think it's really huge today. I want to say more now more than ever. I don't know if that's fair or not, but I think that one of the most important things... I'm going to make some gender generalizations now in this part of the conversation, so you know.
Robert (22:30.158)
huge.
lisa paz (22:50.762)
love me, hate me, but I think that there is a gender piece here. I think what is so cool right now is girls are being taught more and more that they can say no, they can bail on a situation, and that's okay. And so I think that's really amazing. I do think though that we really, really now more than ever need to be talking to boys about how important it is to be a hundred percent certain that their partner...
that they are going to do anything with is really, really okay. And I tell particularly my 13 year old who's like, I just, just stepping into this but like, right middle school I think is when they start to experiment. You really got to be checking at every checkpoint. After you kiss, if you're going to do something else, just take a beat. Hey, is it okay? Are you sure it's okay? Give the girl the out, we can stop at any time. If you're a dad that has a daughter, let them know. You don't have to just keep going. You can stop at any time.
Robert (23:27.862)
Hehehe
lisa paz (23:48.15)
way and I can reverse the gender generalization here, we got to teach boys too that if they want to bail on a situation because they feel uncomfortable they can get out of a situation also, right? So really making sure that you have consent and stopping at every checkpoint is very important. I have seen unfortunately a lot of miscommunication take place where you know a girl, again this sounds a little misogynistic but I'm gonna roll with it.
Robert (23:55.842)
There you go. Yeah.
lisa paz (24:17.77)
where a girl in the moment thinks that she wants to and it feels good, but she's nervous, but she doesn't say no and the boy keeps going. And then, you know, she's having a conversation afterwards with the friends and she's like, I didn't know that, you know, and it just takes one friend to be like, well, did you want to? Or wait, and wow, I've seen boys' lives be turned on a.
Robert (24:35.95)
There you go. Yeah.
lisa paz (24:41.346)
dime because of a miscommunication about consent. I've seen boys kicked out of school, I've seen guys kicked out of college, where it was miscommunication. And so again, it's really important that we impress upon our children the consequences attached to something potentially going wrong and making sure they have consent.
Robert (25:01.814)
So, I mean, you almost can't get enough consent, correct?
lisa paz (25:05.598)
You almost can't get enough consent. And again, in a non-activated state, this feels really available. Everyone's like, yeah, high five. I know, consent, consent. But when you are in the moment and your prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed and you're aroused and your blood is flowing, you know, it's a slippery, slippery slope. The way I teach it to boys, particularly boys who are athletes are, when you are on 10 on the field or on the court,
Robert (25:21.663)
Right.
lisa paz (25:32.778)
right? And that whistle blows because a foul was called or because the quarter's over. You have to stop on a dime, even though you're running at such a high level, right? But your body has to stop what it's doing. So they have actually been training themselves to be able to take a high, high physiological arousal response and stop on a dime. Well, if someone says no, or if you sense that someone isn't ready, it is the same mechanism. It's the same as the ref's whistle.
Robert (25:55.243)
Same as the ref's whistle. That is great. Yeah, I like that.
lisa paz (25:58.93)
And they need to be able to make that connection. And they need to be able to make the connection that someone can stop at any time and really be able to pull back. This is hard for grown men and women to do, right? Like, you know, I invite anyone who's about to orgasm to just stop, right? Be like, okay, I'm gonna cool down now. Not easy, it's not easy to do. And this is for well-developed adults. It's not easy to do for them. It's certainly not easy to do for kids that are just learning this. So.
Consent and consequence.
Robert (26:30.883)
That is absolutely wonderful and so valuable. Hey, I know our time's limited, but body acceptance as well. I loved a post that you had on that probably over a month ago. Talk to us about that. Yeah. And so much pressure today too, right?
lisa paz (26:36.618)
Yes!
lisa paz (26:45.138)
Yeah, it's hard. So it's interesting. Yep. Suicide rates and depression among teenage girls is at an all time high, all time high. And it's largely because of social media. I sound like I'm so down on media. I'm not, but, um, largely because of social media and the comparative culture. Um, and so we're seeing,
Robert (27:02.542)
sure does.
lisa paz (27:07.27)
But it's interesting because the narrative out loud is body positive, body positive, and yet the comparative culture is suggesting the opposite. So body acceptance is really, really important and understanding anatomy helps with body acceptance. And I think that we need to be teaching, again, cross gender. So boys shouldn't just know.
about their own body and body acceptance. Boys should know about women or females and their body and what happens to their body. And girls should know about boys and body acceptance, right? So the way we sort of can promote some of this body acceptance is through helping them understand what each other's body has to go through, I think is one of the big pieces. And then again, just the idea that comparative culture is so unhealthy and it's tough, it's tough. We're seeing...
This is also where.
Robert (27:57.71)
How do you give me example? How do you talk to your sons about body acceptance?
lisa paz (28:02.11)
I tell them they have big dicks. No, I'm joking. I'm joking! Ha ha ha! Ahhhh! Listen! Well, listen, I want them to go into the world knowing. No, they're going to accept their body if it's the last thing I do. Um...
Robert (28:04.202)
Hahaha
Robert (28:11.555)
Just what you want to hear from your mom too, right?
lisa paz (28:20.318)
No, how do I talk to them? That they need to feel comfortable and they need to be healthy. So I talk about body acceptance through health, right? And they need to feel like they're healthy and feel grateful for their body and that if they're not attracted to another girl because of her body, that's fair game, but they cannot discuss it, right? You can't shame anyone. You know, we're all entitled to our preference, period. And that's okay. You like them fit, you like them thick, you like big boobs, you like big thighs. I don't really care what you like.
care that you are kind and supportive to all body types, that doesn't mean you need to pursue all body types. And so I think body acceptance is about recognizing we can have preference towards something but we have to accept everybody. So I teach body acceptance the same way you can teach any other preference, right? And just that straightforward.
Robert (29:09.57)
How often do your kids, friends, moms like say, hey Lisa, will you talk to, you know, I just imagine like every Saturday, all of a sudden you have 15 kids, you know, in your great room and, you know, having a little lesson on sex.
lisa paz (29:18.999)
all the time.
lisa paz (29:27.774)
Yeah, it's not that literal, but it kind of is that way. You know, I have carpool to the soccer field and I have a great room with an Xbox. And so the kids know that it's fair game to come talk to me. I always check with parents. Like, you know, they know that my house is a communicative house, but they're always like, say what you want. I know it's gonna be okay. And so I do, I talk to them really never inappropriate, but always grounded in normalizing it and safety and health and just again, consciousness and consequences.
Robert (29:30.433)
Yeah.
Robert (29:56.238)
Well, that's why I wanted to get you on here too, is because your site is very...
very frank. It's fun, right? I don't want to say it's edgy, maybe you're not afraid to go out there and discuss in not clinical but in a, you know, accepted way. You know, you're not shy about it. And, you know, it's again, it's extremely informative, as well. But so I wanted to ask you just cognizant of your time.
lisa paz (30:28.43)
Thank you.
Robert (30:35.122)
Most of the listeners, as you can imagine, are men. And they're usually between 35, 55 is what the demographics are saying. So, sexual issues. What do you see?
lisa paz (30:38.033)
Mm-hmm.
lisa paz (30:46.538)
Yes. Oh my gosh. Okay, so I think the top, yes.
Robert (30:50.966)
And hold on before we talk about the sexual issues. Well, also maybe quick treatments too for those. Well, no, quickly tell about the treatments as well. So.
lisa paz (30:57.934)
Sure, I don't know that there's quick treatments, but... Listen, so ages 35 to 55, those that are in partnered relationships, I'm seeing desire discrepancy, right? Where their desire is at a different level than their partner's desire and how to navigate that. Also, in long-term relationships, how to keep it hot is one of the big things I'm seeing.
At a clinical level, listen, 50% of men over the age of 50 are going to show some sort of erectile dysfunction or slowing down of the erection. But that can start, again, as early as the 30s. So I'm seeing males in that age demographic that have the erectile dysfunction issues, that are having the ejaculation issues, and the desire issues. Those are the big. I mean, I think those are the biggies for men in general. And
Robert (31:48.674)
But we're fortunate too because we have, you know, the different pills and then also, you know, testosterone treatments, those help as well, don't they?
lisa paz (31:56.118)
They do help, but I will tell you, if your anxiety around erectile dysfunction is higher than your comfort, it is all, I see so many men that are on tons, daily Cialis, 20 milligrams of Viagra for the weekend, plus plus, but if they can't get their head in the game, it will fail them, right? And so a lot of what I will see with men, particularly because of that age range that you just cited, we know that stress, fatigue,
are some of the major inhibitors, right? What is the age bracket in life where you're peaking on stress, responsibility, fatigue? 35 to 55, right? So I'll see a lot of men that what will happen is for whatever reason, their penis didn't cooperate that day, right? The wind blew Southwest, like there was no good reason. And now all of the sudden they're in sort of, I call it a batter slump, where the next time they go up to bat, instead of focusing on the things that turn them on.
Robert (32:33.724)
Right.
lisa paz (32:54.966)
boobs, legs, butt, hair, feet, whatever you like, frogs, they are now focused on their performance. And in doing that, in doing so, right, and landing in a self-evaluated head space, they're cutting themselves off at the head, right? And so retraining the brain how to get over that. And Viagra won't help on that. If you're taking tons of Viagra, but you're not focusing on sexual cues, the Viagra will not save you from it. So men are lucky in that they do have a lot of pharmacological support,
If the head is interrupting it, the head is interrupting it. Um, yeah.
Robert (33:28.214)
Wow. I did not realize that. That makes complete sense, but I did not realize that. I thought with Viagra, didn't matter, but I did not realize that.
lisa paz (33:34.444)
Yep.
Well, because you need really three things for an erection, right? You need blood flow, you need hormones, and you need brain cooperation. And so if you're taking tons of Viagra, but you're going, okay, just relax, just relax, oh shit, take a breath, take a breath, am I getting hard, am I hard enough to go in right now, is she gonna notice, da-da-da-da-da. You're not firing the same neural pathway that the erection runs on. When was the last time you jerked off, going, just take a breath, just take a breath, oh my God, just relax, you don't.
Robert (33:43.53)
Yeah, yeah.
Robert (34:02.678)
Yeah, makes sense.
lisa paz (34:03.438)
your brain responds to sexualized cues or your penis responds to sexualized thoughts. And so you need to feed your brain sexualized thoughts to have an erectile response or to have an ejaculatory response. So if you're too stuck in your head in the negative, the pills won't save you. Injections will save you, men that are on trimix or quad mix. But that's not usually men in that age. Totally, totally, absolutely. And desire, right? Making sure you're being a good partner.
Robert (34:22.818)
So mental health, physical health as well, two of the big things, yeah. That makes sense.
lisa paz (34:33.19)
Because that's sort of the rush hour part of life, you see a lot of the connection between, you know, people who are partnered, first the single dads, this is I think a different, they face a different set of challenges. But for partner dads, it's hard to keep it hot. Your partner's not in the mood at the same time you are, it becomes a to-do list item, it becomes one note, it becomes unexciting. So the other thing I see a lot with males in that age range is just, you know, the struggle to keep it hot and interesting.
Robert (35:03.23)
Yeah, especially with all of life's challenges and everything else. So that, you know, raising children, work, I mean, yeah.
lisa paz (35:10.038)
Listen, Robert, and I tell people all the time, and you know, because this is your dad and this is the dad's podcast, parenting is amazing. It is not sexy though. And as soon as you become mom and dad, or dad and dad, depending on who's listening, right?
Robert (35:17.708)
Mm.
lisa paz (35:25.81)
the roles shift, right? When it's husband and wife, those are the people that have sex, those are the people that are intimate. Mom and dad are not the people that have sex, right? And so, and if we're parenting well, we're in a mom and dad role way more than we're in a husband and wife role. So it becomes harder and harder to transition back to those sexual identities. And, you know, again, parenting is not hot. And so carving out space to access that part of yourself is really important.
Robert (35:52.95)
That would actually be something I'd love to have you back one day, talk about, you know, couples and sex and how to, how to, uh, rejuvenize, reinvigorate your, your sex life. Um, I think that would be extremely important. All right, before I let you go, sex tips are relationship tips.
lisa paz (36:02.136)
Yes.
lisa paz (36:07.949)
Yes!
lisa paz (36:11.659)
Yes.
lisa paz (36:14.922)
Yep, I also want to plug two programs that I think are helpful apropos of what we're talking about. Okay, but sex tips for males, right? Women, foreplay starts long before foreplay actually starts. Women need to be mentally connected. And so if you are in a partnered relationship with a woman, right, one of the best things that you can do...
to create some sort of engagement is to start taking things off of her plate days in advance, to start being complimentary days in advance, to not activate when she is tired. You will get the best version of a woman if you can catch her in a low stress environment.
I am a big fan of masturbation for people, just not in over-reliance on pornography. I think it keeps the neural networks firing. So another sex tip is you should have a sex pleasure, a self-pleasure practice. It keeps that part of the brain firing. It keeps you connected to what you like. You just need to do it in moderation. You can't become over-dependent on sort of the entertainment piece of it. And then the other tip is to be a good communicator with your partner, with your children, the more comfortable.
you are with sexual content at all levels, the better lover you are, right? Sex is about being comfortable. The best sex is when people are free. And so the more comfortable you are, the freer you are.
Robert (37:36.31)
There you go. So sex starts not 15 minutes before. It can yeah, it can start days before.
lisa paz (37:40.13)
days. I always tell men it starts when you ask to take the garbage out or help making lunch two days before, you know? And then I want to let listeners know I have a course, a downloadable course for ages 0 to 11 children that you can go download off my website on how to talk to your children about sex. And I also have an upcoming program.
Robert (37:47.17)
There you go. That's great. Yep.
lisa paz (38:03.05)
that's going to be available in the next couple weeks on communication and sex and learning how to cultivate desire. So for those people, they can find it either via Instagram or via my website. And it's good stuff. It's all drlisapaz.com.
Robert (38:06.562)
Wonderful.
Robert (38:11.998)
All right. And your website is okay. Wonderful. Hey, I appreciate it so much. What have we missed? Anything you want to cover?
lisa paz (38:22.754)
No, man, I feel like we hit some of the core pieces. I'm hoping everyone listening today feels a little bit more of a sense of permission to do some of the conversations, a little more willing to practice some of the words and phrases, and a little bit more aware of looking at their own stuff and their own discomfort and trying to work through that to be able to say, you know what, I gotta talk to my kids, and I also probably have to translate some of it back to my own bedroom.
Robert (38:47.074)
There you go. Yeah. And you know, I think with as parents at times, we put it off. Oh, we'll do it tomorrow. We'll do it next week. We'll do it next month. It's in front of them. It's in front of the kids. So, I mean, you need to get in front of it before technology does.
lisa paz (38:57.218)
That's right. That's right.
lisa paz (39:01.478)
Well, and this, it's a whole other subject and we won't dive into it today and I can't believe actually as we're closing, I missed this, but from a safety perspective and preventing any sort of sexual abuse or child molestation from outside people, the best thing you can do is communicate and arm your children also and become a credible person they can come to and share. So from a safety perspective also, if that's not the best incentive to do this conversation, I don't know what is.
Robert (39:21.038)
There you go. Yep.
Robert (39:28.202)
Yep. Everybody. I highly, highly recommend that you follow Dr. Lisa pause. Uh, and again, it's, uh, P a Z is how you spell her last name. Follow her on Instagram. Do you have a YouTube? You should, you should. It would be highly entertaining. Um, but I highly recommend you guys follow her and the website's the same. Okay.
lisa paz (39:43.186)
I don't. I don't. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you.
lisa paz (39:50.666)
The website's the same, drlisapaz.com. Yep, drlisapaz.com.
Robert (39:54.59)
Okay, definitely look her up. And I appreciate so much you coming on. I really do. And I was looking forward to this conversation. So thank you so much. And I would love to have you back on. So thank you. Thank you for your time.
lisa paz (40:06.146)
Thank you for having me and we will. We'll do one on couples and parenting and all this stuff. All right.
Robert (40:11.867)
That sounds great. Well, hey, thank you all for listening to Dad Dad's podcast. You can find us on Spotify or Apple podcast, as well as on YouTube and Instagram. And don't forget to hit the like and subscribe button so you don't miss any future episodes and we'll see you all next time. Thank you so much.