Remembering Jake - Walk On: A Legacy of Love and Resilience with Stephen Panus

In this heartfelt conversation, Stephen Panus, author of Walk On, shares his profound journey of grief following the tragic loss of his son, Jake. He discusses the impact of this loss on his family, particularly on his younger son, Liam, and how they have navigated their grief together. Stephen emphasizes the importance of community support, vulnerability, and the healing process, while also honoring Jake's legacy through the Walk-On Scholarship. The conversation touches on themes of resilience, spirituality, and the lessons learned from loss, ultimately inspiring listeners to cherish the little moments in life and support one another through difficult times.

Takeaways

• Stephen Panus shares his journey of loss and healing.
• The importance of community support during grief.
• Grief is a universal experience that can take many forms.
• Jake Panus was a vibrant personality who left a lasting impact.
• The Walk-On Scholarship honors Jake's legacy and helps others.
• Vulnerability is a strength in the grieving process.
• It's essential to savor the little moments in life.
• Public speaking has become a way for Stephen to honor Jake.
• Faith and spirituality play a role in coping with loss.
• The journey of grief is ongoing and requires patience.

How to find Stephen Panus
www.StephenPanus.com
https://youtu.be/LN1rxJCjWGM?si=uGKX8hDrC1QFIDWn

Dad to Dads Podcast on IG www.instagram.com/dadtodads

Transcript

Robert Poirier (00:00)
Steven, welcome to the podcast. So you're a motivational speaker, you're a mentor coach, you've authored a book called walk on that's been on, I've been featured on good morning America. ⁓ you've been, I've seen where you've been on NBC news. You've been on numerous, ⁓ sports shows and college game day being one of them. You've been featured on there. You've also been on Jim Rome, ⁓ just to name a few.

Stephen Panus (00:02)
Nice to be here, Robert. Thanks for having me.

Robert Poirier (00:29)
But your story is one of

pain to purpose. It's one that it's going to be tough for me with this interview. We've talked about that, but it's one. It's one of every parents worst nightmare. And first I just want to say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what you and your family have gone through, continue to go on, continue to go through, ⁓ and have had to endure. But I, I also want to say how much I admire you.

admire your strength, admire your grit. I admire how you've taken this and ⁓ have used it for inspiration to go out and help others. And I think that's what life's about. ⁓ just, I wanted to have you on here to share your story, to talk about the book and just talk about what you're doing as well. And just...

Thank you again for coming on. ⁓ Yeah, can we jump in? Like what, do you mind sharing your story and what really inspired you to write Walk On?

Stephen Panus (01:36)
I appreciate it. Thanks for the nice words.

Yeah, so it was August of 2020. I'm married to a beautiful woman named Kellie. We have two boys, Jake and Liam. They're separated by five years. Jake's the older brother. ⁓ Both boys, I always joke, both boys were born in sin cities. Jake in New Orleans, Liam in Las Vegas. So that may explain a little, but...

Robert Poirier (02:10)
There you go.

Stephen Panus (02:16)
Jake was 16. It was ⁓ early August. He just started dating his first girlfriend. And she invited him on a weekend getaway to Black Island, which is a small, tiny island off the coast of Rhode Island, about two hours from where we live in Connecticut. Initially, we said no. We had just returned home from a family trip. And my wife and I thought that there's just no reason. They had only been dating, like I said, five or six weeks.

And then we had like a microburst come through our town. And it was like a mini tornado and it took down a lot of trees and we lost power. And Jake was pretty persuasive as well. But without power, we considered and said, you know, let's, okay, he'll go away for a couple of days, enjoy a weekend and come home. So he left on Friday, August 7th, early in the morning. And two days later on Sunday, August 9th,

Around one o'clock in the afternoon, my wife got a call from the mother of the girlfriend who said there been an accident. Jake was injured, but she had no other details. She wasn't at the scene. Kellie quickly packed an overnight bag. I grabbed Liam and we hopped into her car and began to speed towards Rhode Island, not knowing really anything. ⁓ In my mind, I was thinking, OK, ⁓

I didn't know anything about like where he was, what was involved. And I just thought broken arm, collarbone, something that's where my head was at. And we were about 12 minutes into the drive and I was flying on the I-95 and Kellie's phone rang and it was connected to the car speaker. And it was a doctor from Rhode Island. He introduced himself and then he paused and he said, I'm sorry, I just pronounced your son dead. And everything pretty much went black. I knew I had to get off the highway.

Everything just slowed down like I can't even put words to it. It was this out of body experience. We got off the highway and it was a Sunday and there was a bank parking that straight ahead right off the exit and I just ran right through the light, pulled in there. It was empty and we just opened our car doors. We all got out and just started screaming. ⁓ Kellie still had the phone in her hand and was the doctor was on and.

And we just ran in circles until we all kind of fell as a broken blob of humanity to the ground.

Later that Sunday evening, the details surfaced and Jake was a passenger in a vehicle that was operated recklessly and had gone off the road and hit a telephone pole. The driver was arrested and charged with reckless driving and driving under the influence. And the driver was Jake's teenage girlfriend.

And our world blew up with this news. was absolutely soul crushing. And ⁓ it's a life sentence to be perfectly honest with you. Coming up on five years this August 9th. ⁓ It doesn't get any easier. It gets lighter in different ways, but

Robert Poirier (05:01)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Stephen Panus (05:23)
There's just constant triggers and reminders. Jake left a really large footprint. He lived in every time zone. He had friends spanning the country and spanning generations, as old as in 96 and as young as four or five. And he was this huge personality, an extrovert on steroids. Just a beautiful, good-looking kid. had a head of hair that men and women...

Robert Poirier (05:45)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (05:51)
craved, get beautiful blonde curls. We called it the blonde afro. And I don't know where we got that hair gene, but even I was jealous. And he just was this, he was the type of kid who lifted up everyone he encountered. They just had this magnetic personality that was electric. When he walked into the room, you knew it visually and you felt it. ⁓ It was palpable and contagious. And

It was beyond devastating for our family. Losing Jake, was a really rough first two years.

Robert Poirier (06:28)
How?

⁓ How do you go forward? How do you have the strength to go forward? I don't know if I could.

Stephen Panus (06:38)
Well, yeah,

yeah. Well, I think if you have other children, that's one main reason because you're compelled to still be a parent even though you don't feel like you're capable of in those moments. But I'll never forget that night, the first night that Sunday night, we laid in bed and I didn't sleep, but Liam crawled in bed with us. And I'll never forget, he said, what happens when you guys are gone?

I'll be all alone.

when that really hit and you just, you go one day at a time, literally one minute at a time at that point. was pure survival.

Like I said, I couldn't put thoughts together.

We were in shock and I think that obviously protects you from a lot of the traumatic pain that has penetrated your body.

I was really focused on making sure that my wife and son and our family survived at different points in time, neither my wife or Liam wanted to live. so collective survival was, was what I fought for. it's not for the faint of heart. Like I said, I wouldn't wish this upon anybody. it is a life sentence. It's every day, you know, there's markers all through the, through the year, right on the calendar that

You just, you know, we circle every year, right? You just keep, come back around. There's the holidays are tough. Thanksgiving to Christmas. Those are family times. We see people gathering kids coming home from college. Well, Jake's not, ⁓ his birthday is May 13th. That's always hard this year. He should have turned 21. So a big rite of passage, August. Yeah, everything. So, ⁓ we're doing our best. We've come a long way.

Robert Poirier (08:27)
the graduations, everything.

Stephen Panus (08:35)
⁓ We're still standing and you find a way to walk on. It takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of strength and and grace, gratitude. But it's literally one day at a time. It takes a lot of therapy. I'll put that out there. We needed therapeutic help and still to this day get it. Great grief therapist who's done nothing but grief for 40 years and ⁓ he was a true lifesaver. don't know if...

Kellie and I would still A-B together or even be around if he wasn't there.

Robert Poirier (09:08)
It's tough on a marriage. a friend that I know that's gone through that, it's very tough on a marriage.

Stephen Panus (09:16)
Yeah, well men and women grieve completely differently. And so you share this same common tragedy, but how you cope and process and deal are completely different. it's, I often say it's like an onion. You just keep peeling back the layers and there's just more and more and that makes it complex and challenging. But Kellie and I were committed to each other and to the family and we've weathered, you know, the worst thing that can happen. That's what I say. You know, this is the worst thing that can ever happen to me.

Robert Poirier (09:18)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (09:45)
So anything from here on out is child's Details, details. I'm just like, you know, and I live my life that way now. I live literally day to day in the moment, focused on what I have, which is today, trying to maximize it and trying to do as much good as I can. Cause that's why we're here. We're here to love each other and lift each other up. And we complicate things with minimizing the world down to like very, um,

Robert Poirier (09:47)
to any parent, yeah.

Stephen Panus (10:15)
very small sometimes, right? And it's very big and we're just small granules of sand in this big picture. And it is about being there for one another, showing up.

Robert Poirier (10:27)
Are you guys spiritual? ⁓ Has faith played a part in this?

Stephen Panus (10:31)
So it is for me, so we were both raised Catholic, ⁓ but joke, we're recovering Catholics. ⁓ We belong to a congregational church here. Kellie lost her faith in this. ⁓ I certainly question it. think anyone who's gone through something like this, you question everything when this happens. Yeah, I have deep faith. We're very spiritual, ⁓ but my faith...

Robert Poirier (10:51)
Yeah, absolutely. It's normal.

Stephen Panus (11:01)
is more than just religion, it's Buddhism and Native American culture. It's a mix of a lot of different things that all kind of blend together and support each principle and what I think life is about.

Robert Poirier (11:19)
Yeah, how's Liam?

Stephen Panus (11:22)
Liam's doing great now. Thanks for asking. He had a rough two years. He had to change his school. He wanted to go somewhere where he wasn't Jake's little brother, where he would have a fresh start, which I totally understood. So we enrolled him in a private school ⁓ for eighth grade and it really helped. It was small. He was embraced with love and care and he made some good friends. And then he went away for summer camp and he came home.

Robert Poirier (11:26)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Stephen Panus (11:52)
He ran into a bunch of buddies from our town and who we went to the public school with. And they are like, you got to come back. You got to come back. And he came home and said, I want to go back. I want to go to the same high school. I'm ready. And so he's at the same high school that Jake attended following the same exact path where ⁓ they both go to an aquamarine school in the morning. That's part of like a co-op with our school. As the morning there.

Robert Poirier (12:17)
Mm-hmm.

Stephen Panus (12:20)
Studying aquamarine life and science and then he comes back and takes his core classes at the school He run he participates in track and field now he throws the javelin He's actually getting really good at it. So he's kind of found in Liam was not an athlete per se he's kind of found his little His niche, you know He's finding his true identity and I'm extremely proud of him. He's been through a lot and he's definitely

Robert Poirier (12:40)
Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, I'm sure. Do you, I just thought about this. Do you find yourself

Is it hard not to be overly protective of Liam?

Stephen Panus (13:03)
It was initially that I remember the first time that someone came to pick him up after Jake died and we let him get in the car of another person. And you swallowed pretty hard in that moment. But one of the takeaways from this experience is that we all think we have this, there's this illusion of control. We feel like we have control over our kids, right? But the reality was, and I blame myself when Jake died, even though I wasn't there, Robert, but as a father, my job is to

provide for my family and to love my family, most especially my children and keep them safe. And so I felt like I failed and I beat myself up for a while. And then I realized there was nothing I could have done. I wasn't there. And I had sent Jake away many times, sports camps, friends houses, trips to visit family on an airplane. ⁓ So he'd been away a lot on his own and there was nothing different about this trip or should have.

should not have been anything different. ⁓ So that illusion of control was just blown to smithereens. And you realize how little you do control on this planet. And so when I embraced that concept, was a lot easier just to not worry over every little thing. can't raise your kids in a bubble. Liam needs to live and he needs to discover life on his terms. And so you just have to let go and you realize, I don't control that anyway. The minute he steps off my lawn,

There's nothing I can do except hopefully give him the guidance and the wisdom and the virtues and character traits while he's on my lawn so that when he leaves he carries those with him.

Robert Poirier (14:35)
Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, it just, would be so tough. ⁓

It would be extremely tough. I love the mindset that you guys have and ⁓ because he does have to live. You can't wrap him in a bubble. You can't keep him in the house. ⁓ You do have to let him go out and spread his wings and live.

Stephen Panus (15:01)
Yeah.

Yeah, well, there's about three, four months into the grieving process. looked at Liam one day and I just, you know, his look just caught me. I thought, man, he's 11 years old. I'm 52 at the time and I'm struggling. like, how's an 11 year old boy supposed to accept this and cope, right? And just process. And so I asked him to go upstairs and get his buck knife.

Robert Poirier (15:27)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (15:37)
and to come outside. He did. We walked across our property over to an old mature tree and I asked him to carve a swath of bark off the tree. And he obliged. Then he looked at me and said, now what, Dad? And I said, now we're going to watch this tree regrow bark. It's going to heal itself, but it's going to take time. It's going to look different. It's going to feel different. It's going to be a different color, maybe different texture.

but it will find its way. And like this tree, you and I are going to do the same. I'm not going to lie to you, we're never going to be the same. But we are going to find a way to heal and to walk on. And I wanted him to believe in himself and in the process and just to trust.

Robert Poirier (16:22)
How did you, I love that. How did that come to mind?

Stephen Panus (16:26)
It just, think I read something about it in a Native American book and I thought, wow, that's a really cool, ⁓ you know, visual way to teach Liam, you know, and these kids today, as you know, they're visual learners. They're used to watching videos, YouTube, how to, right? And it just really struck me and I thought it's probably better than anything I can really verbalize.

Robert Poirier (16:54)
I wonder how many times he went out there when he was faced or with hard, you know, hard memories and grieving and went out there and looked at that tree and, you know, saw the progress, you know, you, wonder.

Stephen Panus (17:05)
Yeah,

know a year about a year or so later he came running over and said, Dad, Dad, look, it's just about fully back. And we just kind of looked at each other and smiled. And ⁓ like I said, he's come a long way and I'm proud of him. ⁓ But there's not a day that we don't think about, Jake. I think about 10,000 times a day.

Robert Poirier (17:28)
That that that is beautiful and I'm gonna steal that at times and tell others and I love that

Do you mind telling more about Jake? I want to know about him. mean, you know, he's got this great personality. I know about his head of hair and which, which I envy. but, I would just like to know more about him. Like, what did he enjoy doing? What? mean, obviously it was sports, you know, as well, but like your favorite memories, your favorite time when you think back, is there one thing that like, wow,

Stephen Panus (17:49)
Thank

Robert Poirier (18:07)
That was really impactful. Just me and Jake or something. Do you mind going there?

Stephen Panus (18:12)
Yeah,

I it's hard to limit to one, honestly. There's so many great memories and I run them through my mind all the time because that's all you got left. But Jake, Jake was just, like I said, larger than life. was he had a perpetual smile on his face. ⁓ He loved being around people. The more the merrier was his motto. Just, you know, and wherever he went, he never went alone. There was always people in tow. ⁓

Robert Poirier (18:15)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (18:40)
He played lacrosse and football, but he was involved in his church youth group. He was a junior deacon. He was a volunteer at the library book sale. The library is across the street from our home. He was a keystone leader at the Boys and Girls Club, which is a leadership club. He jk'd his hand in just about everything. And he was a maximizer. He was looking to have the most fun 24-7 as one could.

When I kind of look back at it now, maybe I'm justifying or it's a coping process, but I realized kind of why he did things the way he did because he maybe on some level he knew, but he maximized his 16 years. That's for sure. Favorite memories? mean, sports were a big bonding thing for us. took him, he was five years old and I represented a race car driver in the Indy 500 and I took Jake with me. And I'll never forget that.

He fell asleep. It was a long, hot day and he fell asleep in my lap for a good part of the race. it's a long, it's a long race. Um, but I remember carrying them out on my shoulders and just talking about the race and, know, just stopping and turn around and looking back at the, Indy 500. It's a massive, has a massive footprint. Um, and just recognizing how cool that was to have such a special day like that with, with Jake.

He was there at the Belmont Stakes when American Pharaoh won the Triple Crown ending the 37 year drought. And that was really special. We had a trifecta that day for like $800. And obviously to a 12 year old boy, that's pretty, a lot of money. ⁓ But then there was just the laughter, know, he just, the things I remember about Jake, or his laugh, which was constant, his joy. And,

Robert Poirier (20:08)
Wow.

Yeah, that's substantial. Yeah.

Stephen Panus (20:34)
his bear hugs. When Jake hugged you, you knew it. He just enveloped you and they were solid. And he wasn't afraid to hug anyone anywhere. And he was a mama's boy in many ways ⁓ and was very confident and comfortable with being that and also being the strong, confident athlete ⁓ equally.

Robert Poirier (21:01)
Yeah, looking at pictures online. ⁓ You can't help but look at his pictures and smile. And it's just like he the pictures on there just radiates happiness radiates life fun. Good looking kid.

Stephen Panus (21:20)
Yeah.

Robert Poirier (21:21)
I just wanted to hear more. I mean, I wish I would have met him, but I just wanted to hear more about him. And what do you, is there,

Stephen Panus (21:27)
That's it.

Robert Poirier (21:32)
I don't know if this is the proper question to ask, but is there something that you want people to remember about Jake? if, is there.

Stephen Panus (21:39)
Yeah, always, you know, there is. And Jake, I say that Jake reminds us all that we're born with one obligation, and that's to be authentically who we are. Because if I had to describe Jake in one word, it would be authentic.

He was a rare soul in an overcrowded planet of mundane. And he stood out and he continues to stand out. He's a brilliant bright light to this day. I have people that come up to me all the time and tell me stories about not only experiences they had with Jake while he was here, but also surreal experiences with him popping into their dreams or

them thinking about him out of the blue and something happening. ⁓ He's still ever-present and shining his light pretty brightly upon a lot of people.

Robert Poirier (22:30)
Yeah, you hear that and I believe that. I mean, I do. I really do. Wow. And just kind of maybe guardian angel looking down, whatever it may be.

Stephen Panus (22:44)
Yeah. I've come to believe that the, and realize really, that the vowel is much thinner than we believe between here and there.

Robert Poirier (22:51)
Yeah, I believe that. I believe that. And there's no telling where he's had his touch on things. So

Stephen Panus (22:58)
Yeah. You asked earlier,

and I forgot to answer, but why I wrote the Walk on. I didn't start out to write a book, Robert. I started by writing a goodbye letter to Jake and it was painful.

Robert Poirier (23:03)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (23:11)
and had to stop and start a lot. And after I did that exercise with Liam, I realized how much, you know, Liam needed help. And I happened to stumble upon some old Post-It notes. I had a tradition with the boys where I would write morning messages, started with Jake, because he was five years older, on Post-It sticky notes.

and leave them on Jake's lunch bag or on the kitchen island. And then he would read them to Liam. And then when Liam was old enough, he could read them. And they were quotes from known and unknown personalities, my own thoughts. they were dealt with a lot of like character traits and values that I thought were important and many non-negotiable. And the goal was simple. I just wanted to impart wisdom into their developing heart, mind and soul. And after stumbling upon those,

Like I said earlier, question everything. thought, what a bunch of bullshit, right? And I was just like, this means nothing, you know? And I found myself having to sit with those and figure out where's the truth in them. And so in doing that process, I started to write about them and write about them in the manner of reviewing my relationship with Jake and everything he stood for. And I realized it

writing that, maybe this could help Liam. And when I finished writing it, I thought, well, maybe this could help more than just Liam. And so on a lark, I just decided to send out a book proposal ⁓ to about 40 different publishing houses and agents. And lo and behold, I heard back from four with interest and I was like, wow. So I had some zoom calls and ⁓ went with Kohler Publishing out of Virginia Beach and they've been wonderful. And they published the book last April and it's just been

It's been wild to see the reception and the success of it. And to me, success is defined in this case by people telling me how much it's helped them. And it's not just for people that have lost a child, because grief is universal and it comes in a lot of different shapes and sizes. We all deal with grief on some form. Lose a job, a relationship suffers, we may separate or divorce, get diagnosed with a bad

Robert Poirier (25:07)
Success.

Stephen Panus (25:33)
health condition or a fatal condition, our house gets burned down. You know, you suffer a financial crisis. There's just a lot of, you you develop an addiction. There's a lot of grief on this planet. And it was just a way for me to try to help everyone who has their own grief. Whether again, that's a loss of a child, a loss of a parent or their own particular hardship or struggle. Cause at the end of the day,

You have a choice. You can wallow or you can walk on. And it's that simple.

Robert Poirier (26:08)
That's it. That is it right there. I

feel like when we go through things and you do have a choice, right? But I feel like when you start to emerge what you have. ⁓

I just feel like it's our God given duty to help others through that process that we see going through that are similar type processes and you're to be commended on on doing that. And I'm glad that you put it into words and made the reviews of the book and the people that have reviewed it. The things they said is just phenomenal. And I, you know,

I'm guilty of not reading it yet, but I can assure you that I will. And, uh, and I look forward to that. And, I want to step back. Um, is there, if you're okay doing this, I would love to know.

As you're going through the depths of hell, is there something that you wish, maybe advice that somebody would have given you at that time that maybe you could share with other people or?

Stephen Panus (27:18)
Yeah, I think the, mean, one, get help, right? It's okay not to be okay. ⁓ cause you feel like absolute shit and there's days you don't want to get out of bed. There's days you don't want to change out of pajamas. ⁓ my wife stayed in the house for like a year. I ran to the grocery store and I would do it in the, in the early morning hours when there weren't a lot of people there so I could get in and out.

Robert Poirier (27:38)
Yeah

Stephen Panus (27:47)
Patience is a big part of it, like being patient, but also asking for help. Like we don't ask for help a lot, right? We're not conditioned to often. We all figure we can find our own way out. honestly, I've never seen anybody climb to the top of the mountain on their own. They may literally, but in reality they got there because of a lot of other people that supported them along the way. And that's what you need is you need support. Grief is a scary topic for a lot of people.

Our society kind of treats it that way and applies a stigma to it. So I would say the number one thing is to show up. know, there's I mean, people always say, I don't know what to say. No shit, right? Because guess what? There's nothing you can say that's going to make me feel any better. There just isn't. So don't worry about what you say. Just say you're sorry and hug them and leave it at that and just sit there with them and be there. Do things for them. We had I had a neighbor mow my lawn for four months and another one come and walk our dogs with two dogs for

Robert Poirier (28:23)
Good.

Stephen Panus (28:46)
He came every day around noon and walked our dogs for like three months. We had a food train for a year and two months. So showing up is big and don't ask them, hey, what can I do for you? Just do it. Cause if you ask them, they're going to be like, nothing. I got it. No worries. I'm good. Cause they don't want to be an imposition ⁓ So showing up, finding a way to lift them up, encourage them to take a walk, to get out.

Robert Poirier (28:53)
Wow.

Stephen Panus (29:17)
⁓ to talk about their feelings. And that's another thing, right? So I've learned in this process that our vulnerability is our strength. And that's a twisted concept for men because we're taught kind of the opposite of not to cry. We're taught to, if I had a nickel for every time my dad said, get knocked down, get up, get back up again, and we lived to that credo, I'd probably be retired. But this isn't something you get knocked down and get back up from immediately. It's just...

Robert Poirier (29:29)
Right? Right.

Stephen Panus (29:47)
It's physically impossible. You know, I lost 15 pounds. I barely slept for months. ⁓ No appetite. You have no energy. And to this day, everything is like my brain is probably 75 % of what it used to be. My energy level is not the same. ⁓ You develop new boundaries to protect yourself from triggers. And you can't...

You don't fight the tears. They're going to come and they come unwelcome and uninvited and sometimes in public places. Let it just roll with it. ⁓ Your vulnerability is your strength and if we could embrace that more, we'd probably be a lot more kinder to each other, more helpful. We show up more. We'd be worried less about what others think and we'd honor that it's more important what we do than what we say.

Robert Poirier (30:42)
I'm so happy you went there because that was the other part of my question was.

for those on the outside, what do you suggest? And I'm so happy, like how can they be helpful? I'm so happy you addressed that. I lost my dad when I was 10. And I've had different losses throughout. And the one at 10, I remember it was very interesting because you learn a lot about friends. People show up that you would never expect to show up in your life.

Like people that maybe were acquaintances, ⁓ turn out to be some of the most loyal people. And unfortunately, some of the people that maybe were considered friends at the time, they abandoned you. And I don't want to, I had a huge, I myself had a huge problem with that. And one was because, ⁓ it was.

Stephen Panus (31:19)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Shift away.

Yeah.

Robert Poirier (31:43)
So when my dad passed away, it was one of his best friends. Just never really had much more to do with us a little bit, but not much. Not what you would think to being his best friend. And I had this anger. ⁓ like how could you claim to be his friend? I actually approached him years later and never, I wanted to get an answer, but I think I had so much anger. came out of me that

I think he was shocked in his face and I think he realized the negative impact it had on me. I never got the answer from him of why. But after going through other things in life, I think I figured out a lot of people that just don't know what to do. You know, and I think it's the same thing, whether it's divorce, people are afraid, ooh, it's catching or ooh, I don't, you know, I don't want to go there. I mean, that's the worst. And I think when you said it's just

Stephen Panus (32:22)
Mm-hmm.

Robert Poirier (32:41)
being there, just showing up, just doing. Yeah.

Stephen Panus (32:43)
Yeah, it's so true. People are terrified, right?

They call the children the siblings who lose a sibling, the forgotten grievers. Because think about it, Liam was 11. His peers aren't equipped to talk to him about this subject at all. The teachers don't want to ask a question for fear that he's going to emotionally lose it in the classroom. ⁓ So nobody asks Liam how he's doing. They say, how are your parents doing?

And we see that a lot with children who've lost a sibling, which is really sad. ⁓ But it is about just showing up and you're going to lose friends. And you're also going to, like you said, you're going to gain some amazing people. We have, we've lost, we've lost people that we thought we were closer with because they just couldn't handle it. ⁓ But we're also unafraid and we put it out there. We're going to talk about Jake.

We're going to continue to honor him and we do that through scholarships among other ways. But we're going to say his name. We're going to tell stories. And it makes some people uncomfortable. And it's like, it's my son, right? You talk about your son. I hear all these parents talking about their kids and he's doing this at college or he's going to this club or got accepted here or there. And that's fine. I'll listen to their stories. It stings a little bit, but I have the gravitas to hear their stories. I would hope that they would have the same.

Robert Poirier (34:04)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (34:07)
if I recall a story or share something that cool that might have happened between the realms that made the hair on my arm stand up. So it's just the golden rule, right? Just treat people the way you want to be treated.

Robert Poirier (34:22)
That's it. That's it. That's it. You touched on it, the scholarship. ⁓ So I watched the video, South Carolina, ⁓ when you, with the team, it's online and it's on YouTube. And ⁓ man, it was hard to watch. ⁓ I'm usually not an emotional person. This subject, it hits me deep. It hits me really deep.

do you mind telling about the scholarship that you guys do?

Stephen Panus (34:53)
Yeah, not at all. So we actually, we have three scholarships now. They're all called the Jake Panus Walk-On Scholarship. The first one started in the days after ⁓ Jake's passing. We were getting so many flowers. We didn't need any more. And Kellie had a great idea that Jake had a year before gone to ⁓ South Dakota with his church youth group on a mission trip where, and he did a lot of, he spent 10 days.

helping Lakota children learn key life skills, math, learning to read, also having fun, just playing games and just being Jake with them. But he came home deeply affected from that experience and he recognized the inequalities between how they were living in South Dakota and how he was living in Connecticut. And he wanted to do something about it. The following year's trip was canceled because of COVID. So he didn't get to go back and then he died two months later.

So we partnered with our church and Red Cloud Indian School in Pine Ridge, South Dakota. It's one of the poorest areas in the country. And there's a particular area on the reservation called Red Shirt Table where our church goes and helps every year where Jake spent that 10 days. so we now, we created a scholarship that awards college scholarships to kids from Red Shirt Table who graduate from Red Cloud Indian School. And so far we've awarded three in four years to three Lakota.

young women ⁓ who are all now pursuing degrees in college and becoming you know nurses and business women. It's exciting and it's cool to see. I took Liam out there for the first graduation in May of 22 and initially Robert that scholarship was just called the Jake Panus Memorial Scholarship and then

I knew as his father that I wanted Jake's goal in dream school was South Carolina. I went there. He wanted to follow my footsteps. He was sort of, sort of raised a gamecock. Yeah, exactly. But he took to it right away. He had a love for college football like I do deep. And ⁓ he would spend Saturdays on the couch with me watching college football. So ⁓ it was, it was two days before Christmas, 2020. And my wife and I went for a walk.

Robert Poirier (36:53)
He had no choice probably.

Stephen Panus (37:14)
And I left my phone behind, which I normally didn't do, but it was a joy this time in our house. And we just wanted to get away and get out of the house. So we went for a long walk, came home and I had a bunch of messages on my phone. And one of them was an 843 number, which is a South Carolina prefix in Lowcountry Charleston area. And I thought, oh, it's one of my college buddies trying to cheer me up. Right. And I hit the voicemail play button and lo and behold, it was Shane Beamer.

He'd been on the job for two weeks, just hired. He still hadn't even moved his family from Oklahoma. And he had heard the story of Jake and Jake's fandom and desire to be a Gamecock. And he reached out, which spoke volumes about his character and sense of humanity. And he, he told, he left his numbers to call back. I want to talk to you and Liam. So we called him back and

We went to voicemail and he texted and said, I'm on the phone actually interviewing a coach, trying to fill my staff. Give me a few hours and I'll circle back. And he did and we FaceTimed and talked and he was incredible talking to Liam. It reminded me of Jake.

Robert Poirier (38:25)
Really?

Stephen Panus (38:28)
The way he looked out for Liam and cared. It was pretty cool. And we hung up from that call. And a few hours later, it hit me. said, I think I have a way to get Jake to South Carolina. And so after the holidays, I texted Shane and said, I have this idea. Walk On Scholarship. Shane was a walk on himself at Virginia Tech. he went, he totally got it right away. He supportive. so we...

Robert Poirier (38:54)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (38:57)
The Jake Pannis Walk-On Scholarship was born and we quickly raised funds that became endowed. Last year something really cool happened. Game Day came to South Carolina for the LSU game in September. We got job by the rest of that day. should have beat LSU. Terrible, terrible calls. Took away two touchdowns. ⁓ We won't get into that though.

Robert Poirier (39:14)
hahahaha, idiot.

My youngest

son would disagree with you on that but ⁓

Stephen Panus (39:27)
Game day was there and as you know, Pat McAfee is at kicking competition. so I sent down, we have these shirts that say walk on for Jake. And so I sent down a shirt through some connections I had hoping that McAfee would wear the shirt and on the segment. Instead McAfee gave the shirt to the college student who was going to be the kicker that day that they pulled from the crowd. And this kid had a little too much to drink and let's just say his kick was less than

memorable. It was a shank. Pat had said, if you make the kick, I'll give $60,000 to the scholarship. ⁓ But even though he shanked it, Pat, being Pat, still gave the money to the scholarship, which was just beautiful. Special guy who gives a lot back to the communities all over this country. think he last year gave away like 1.5 million of his own money.

Robert Poirier (40:20)
People don't realize that they think he's a big clown. gives a lot back. Yeah.

Stephen Panus (40:24)
He has a big heart.

He's a big spirit and a big personality for sure. he's special and he's authentic. And that's what I love about Pat. That's another, Jake and Pat would have been deep pals. They're authentic.

Robert Poirier (40:33)
Yep. Yep.

They would have

been dangerous together.

Stephen Panus (40:41)
yeah.

yeah. But that was a beautiful gesture by Pat and, it just speaks to the scholarship. then fast forward. So I show up to South Carolina in 2021 to award the first scholarship and coach Beamer gives me the opportunity to speak to the team and make the announcement at 7 45 in the morning. And it was hard. I was nervous as hell. I'm not a public speaker at the time. ⁓ I was way more private. I'm

Robert Poirier (40:45)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (41:08)
I'm a sports marketing executive agent. So I was always behind the scenes. My clients were the people out in front, hammering the spotlight. Jake was a spotlight guy, not me. And I felt like Jake was holding me up that day because I needed every ounce of strength to stand there and talk to those guys and make the announcement. And Matthew Bailey was the first recipient, long snapper from Deland, Florida. Great kid who's actually at Toledo now. He's got one year of eligibility left, getting a graduate degree.

⁓ And we've awarded four at South Carolina now to all four great kids. Many of them are all SEC academic. They're gritty, they're tough, they're on the smaller side. They were overlooked, they came from small schools, but they have a love for the game. ⁓ And they have great qualities on and off the field and that was important to us. And Coach Beamer's done a great job of making sure the recipient

all lines with a lot of what Jake stood for. And then, so we come around to May of 22 and Liam and I go out to South Dakota to award the first scholarships there. And the Lakota elders at the school asked me how I came up with the Jake Panus Walk-On Scholarship name at South Carolina. And I told them the story and what a walk-on football athlete, student athlete means in the parlance. And they said, that's interesting because we have a different definition for walk-on. And I was like, really? And they said, yeah.

In our culture, when someone dies, we believe they walk on in their journey, that death is not the end point of a linear pathway. And I was like, my God, it was like the universe just brought it all together. And so we, at their insistence, renamed the scholarship there, the Jake Pennis Walk-On Scholarships. So to name that, and it was like, like I said, the universe brought it together and it's what we have to do as a family to survive this walk-on. It's what people have to do anytime they face anything.

Robert Poirier (42:47)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (43:06)
hard and a struggle or adversity that seemingly wants to keep them down. And so it was a natural title for the book and it's become kind of like the calling card walk on for Jake. And we literally, I just had a meeting yesterday here in Bridgeport, Connecticut, which is a underserved community in our state. ⁓ And we're launching the third scholarship in partnership with the Boys and Girls Club there and a fourth to eighth grade football program to award college scholarships to these kids who.

participating in this football program, which provides tutoring and meals and things these kids don't necessarily get that we take for granted. And then they help get them into high schools, public and private. And so this is the next step. This helps them get into college and afford, some of them can't afford getting home, you know, or getting a laptop, things that they

Robert Poirier (43:55)
Look

at how Jake continues to live on, continues to touch and help people. It's amazing what you guys have done.

Stephen Panus (44:04)
Yeah.

Well, it's what Jake would be doing if he was here. So it just feels like a natural continuation of everything that he stood for and would want.

Robert Poirier (44:08)
Yeah.

Yeah, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. Can you share? know you have speaking engagements. You're you're, you know, you said you don't like to speak in public. Well, you're a public speaker now. You hit the circuit. So you've kind of been thrust into that, but do you mind telling more about that as well as walk on and who that might be for the reviews are amazing.

Stephen Panus (44:14)
Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, everything in my life. ⁓

Yes. ⁓

Well, thank you. ⁓ Yeah, I am an inspirational speaker now. ⁓ I everything in my life changed. I left my job last May. Everything in your life does change when you go through this. You cannot be the same person. ⁓ You look at life differently. You just you just do. I subscribe to this concept that dates as far back as 700 AD by Hassan El-Bazri, who said life is made up of three days.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow. Yesterday's come and gone. We can't do anything to change it. We can learn from it. But what has happened has happened. Tomorrow's not guaranteed. Why are we going to worry and waste time being anxious about something that may never come into fruition? But today is what we got. And so you maximize it. You live it. It's the present moment and being really present. ⁓ And yeah, the book continues to help people. ⁓ It's available on Amazon.

My website has a link. It's my website stevenpanis.com. Just my name and ⁓ It's it's impactful to see how how much it's helping people and I Get random emails phone calls even I've connected with a lot of bereaved dads ⁓ In this process and made some really cool special friends and you know, that's something that

Sometimes we don't even have to talk and we can just we know what the other person's thinking or feeling and it's a special bond But yeah, I'm headed down to Louisville like this weekend to speak at an event and I'll be in your town in late July in Atlanta speaking at another event so ⁓ It's something that again. It allows me as a father like I lost everything when I lost Jake, right? I lost not just my son, but I lost a future with him every moment every holiday

Every birthday it's gone. But by speaking, I'm able to raise awareness for why we're here on this planet. And I'm able to take Jake to other places because he's with me. And I hear his name said aloud, not just by myself, but by others. And I hear stories about how Jake inspired them to do something maybe they thought they couldn't do or overcome something or step outside their comfort zone. And for me, that's what public speaking was. I was...

Like I said, I was not comfortable doing it. never thought in my wildest imagination that I would ever be the guy out front speaking to crowds and audiences and trying to inspire them. And, that's what I'm doing now because

Robert Poirier (47:13)
I'm sure

it makes Jake smile.

Stephen Panus (47:15)
Probably, but he's behind me holding me up and it's Jake coming through me is what I tell people.

Robert Poirier (47:20)
⁓ I'm sure I'm sure but the book is not just for people who have lost a child or have lost somebody it's much more than that correct

Stephen Panus (47:29)
Right.

Yeah, it's for anybody that's looking for ⁓ inspiration and hope in whatever they're facing because we all suffer and no matter what happens or how it happens, we're all capable of finding a way to walk on.

Robert Poirier (47:48)
those going through challenges, whatever it may be, just kind of getting through it. Cause my gosh, if anybody knows how to get through hell, it's you. ⁓ You've been there. Look, I don't want to, I know, I know you're busy. I don't want to keep you too long, but I want to.

Stephen Panus (47:51)
Yeah.

Robert Poirier (48:06)
I feel like your perspective on fatherhood is probably a different perspective than most, if that makes sense. Is there anything that you've learned about fatherhood with all that you've been through that you would like to share?

Stephen Panus (48:24)
I mean, some of it seems so obvious, it's savior the little things, right? Because the little details matter most. When I like you asked earlier, like, well, what do you remember about Jake? Well, guess what? It's the little moments. We so often take for granted. That's what comes flashing back into my head. Every single little moment where there was a crack of a smile, a loud laugh, that great bear hug. ⁓ So and don't take anyone or anything in life for granted.

We live like that a lot of us, right? Where, they'll be there tomorrow or they'll be there next week. It might not be. We don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring. I don't know what the next hour's gonna bring. So ⁓ don't take anyone or anything in life for granted. Savor the little things and love and lift each other up, because it's why you're here.

Robert Poirier (49:13)
Beautiful. What else would you like to share? Anything else that we didn't cover?

Stephen Panus (49:18)
You know, I think we covered it. ⁓ I am working on book number two. It's going to be a little bit different than obviously Walk On, but I don't know how long that's going to take, but I just started. Well, I think it's a ⁓ novel, so I'm going off in a different tangent. ⁓ But it will have some certainly relatable concepts. At the end of the day, you write about what you know. So I'll just what I know is sports and

Robert Poirier (49:28)
Can you share a little bit about that?

Stephen Panus (49:48)
resilience and hardship and overcoming hardship. So it's a little bit about that woven into ⁓ hopefully what turns out to be a unique and compelling story.

Robert Poirier (49:59)
You know, I said it earlier, I am sorry. I'm very sorry for everything you, your wife and Liam have had to go through. I I am. I appreciate you sharing the story, talking about Jake and.

I admire you as a person, as a man.

and your strength and how.

You have turned hell into a positive and helping others. I mean, I appreciate that. And I thank you for doing that. And that's, man, that's something to be highly admired. And, I just, uh, I don't know how you do it. There's definitely an inner strength that I envy there that you have. Um, but I thank you. I really do. And I'm going to make sure your website is stevenpanos.com. It's S T I'm going to link it, but for those.

listening. It's S T E P H E N P A N U S correct.com. And I'll I'll tag you on everything as well. ⁓ With social media. And I just look, I appreciate you coming on. I really do. I appreciate you ⁓ telling your story and sharing about Jake I really do.

Stephen Panus (50:58)
Correct.com. And if you do...

Yeah.

If you don't mind, do. I know the thought just popped in my head that I do want to share because it's pretty compelling. About six months after Jake died, my wife turned to me and said, when the time is right, Jake is going to send someone to us. And I said, OK. I didn't doubt it. She just had it. Yeah. And she asked me months later to put out to our

Robert Poirier (51:29)
Where did she get that thought? Came in. Okay.

Stephen Panus (51:42)
minister that if they ever heard of a child in need of love or home to let us know. And I even said, do you think we could create this kind of reverse fresh air program with the Lakotas? Like we bring some of them here for the summer and host them. And the more we talked about it, we realized that wasn't going to work. There's just a little bit reserved about and reticent about letting the children leave the reservation.

There's a huge culture shock that occurs and there's a protective nature which I certainly respect from their shoes. Not trusting fully the white man and they got many, many reasons not to. ⁓ So that wasn't going to work. But anyway, we put a bug in her ear. In February of 23, Kellie, Liam and I, was bitter cold here and we needed to get away. We want to go somewhere warm. We want to get out of the house. So we booked a trip to Barbuda.

Robert Poirier (52:19)
Yeah. Yeah.

Stephen Panus (52:37)
in Antigua. We literally just landed in Barbuda. It's a small island right off the Antigua. Super small. We were on our way to the little house shack that we were going to be staying at on a beach for a few days when my phone buzzed. It was the minister and she said, hey, there's a young woman who is in need of a home.

She's been homeless since October. She's been couch surfing on friends homes, many of them fellow church members, but she's getting placed in the foster system. She's a scholar athlete and she goes to a private school two minutes from our house that she got herself into as a sophomore. Are you interested? And I just wrote back, yes, before I went and shared it with Kellie.

Kellie spent the rest of the vacation on the phone with social workers and some of the moms who had hosted her. ⁓ And we came home thinking there's a 75 % chance that this young lady is going to be dropped off to us in the next seven to 10 days. So we knew we had to address Jake's room where she was going to be, if she came, that's where she was going to stay. That was an empty bedroom. We hadn't touched Jake's room. ⁓

Robert Poirier (53:56)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (54:01)
Everything was just as it was. So that was hard. We came home and we tackled that and tried to transform it as much as we could with what we had into a girl's room. And the next day we got a phone call that said we're bringing her over at eight o'clock. And we hadn't told Liam. So we asked Liam if he was okay with it. Because if he wasn't, we weren't going to do it. But Liam immediately, his eyes got big. He lit up. was like, yeah, that sounds great. So.

Robert Poirier (54:03)
Yeah.

Stephen Panus (54:29)
This young woman named April came into our home with three social workers. That evening, she had a backpack in a small bag that was all her worldly possessions. And we filled out the paperwork. Liam gave April little tour of the house. The social workers left. And as they left, they said goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. Panus. And April heard that. I went up and showed her the room. And I said, make yourself at home.

I pulled out a drawer. said, everything's empty. to, you know, fill your stuff into the drawers or whatever. And she stopped and said, well, how long, how long am I going to be here? Pretty good question. And I said, as long as you want. Well, Kellie came up and they started, she started to help her unpack a little bit and I stepped out and I heard April asked, whose room is this? And Kellie said, it's our late son's room.

And she said, was his name? And Kellie said, Jake. And she's like, Jake Panus. And we're like, Kellie's like, yeah. She's like, my God, I heard of him. And she was from about 30 minutes away. And again, Jake left a large footprint. And she was younger, two years younger, but she had heard of Jake. And it's really funny how it's played out. ⁓ She has curly hair. Jake has curly hair, right? She's a lefty. Jake's a lefty. Scholar, athletes.

Robert Poirier (55:49)
You

Stephen Panus (55:54)
She does things that absolutely cause Kellie and I to turn and look at each other with our... with our open, being like, that's exactly what Jake would have done. Now, this is where it gets weird. When Jake was little, he... and we lived in Las Vegas, he was four years old, he was in a Montessori school, he started telling everyone he had a sister. And he was adamant. And both grandmothers got really concerned with his wild imagination that we needed to...

Robert Poirier (55:59)
Ha ha ha!

Stephen Panus (56:24)
to curb it that he didn't have a sister. He's got to stop saying it. And he said it a lot. I asked him one day, why do you say that? Why do you think that? And he goes, because I do. I'm like, all right. Fast forward. He went on that mission trip at age 15. A couple of weeks later, I'm at a sporting event with a dad whose son also went on that trip. And the dad asked me, hey, can I ask you a question that's a little bit awkward? I was like, dude, you can ask me anything, Mark. And he's like,

Hey, my son said, Jake told him he had a sister. Did you and Kellie kind of have previous marriages? Then you kind of really bunched it together. And I'm like, no. And he's like, oh, because Jake said he had a sister. And we were just trying to figure it out. And I just started laughing. I'm like, boy, I haven't heard that in a few years. Came home and told Kel we had a 15, one year before he died. And.

Robert Poirier (57:15)
How old was he then?

Okay.

Stephen Panus (57:23)
I have a picture, I'll send it to you after this, a, I found it later of a crayon drawing that he did at age five. And it's a family drawing, right? And he drew the family and he labeled everybody and he's got his sister in there holding Liam's hand and it looks just like April. So we're convinced Jake sent us his sister and it saved my wife's life. And it's been the most incredible blessing.

that we have immense gratitude for, because I honor that not everyone that loses a child gets another child. We were too old to have another child. ⁓ And we had just started looking into maybe the foster system, maybe adopting. ⁓ But now we have this beautiful, I'm a girl dad now, we have this beautiful young woman who's, she's a freshman. She just finished her freshman year, Bucknell University. She got an academic full scholarship there.

Just amazing young woman with more drive and more grit. She's been through more hell that would have knocked down and deterred most people and she's something special. So it's just an amazing story and it shows you the power of belief and light and love.

Robert Poirier (58:36)
Wow.

That that's that's amazing. You know, I have all these thoughts in my head, just kind of the spirit sister and then

It's also, wondered, just wondered if subconsciously had this feeling, you know, and, ⁓ that his time was limited to make the most of it. And that there was this spirit sister out there somewhere that would come into your family. It's, ⁓ you know, it's all these things that are unexplained that we'll, we'll know the answers to one day, but that is, that's absolutely beautiful.

Stephen Panus (59:04)
Yeah.

Yeah, in fact.

When Jake

left on that Friday morning, we all were on our, it was like 7th, early in the morning, August 7th. We're in our pajamas, we're on the mudroom porch waiting for the girlfriend to show up to pick him up and her mom. And they pulled in the driveway and Jake was sitting there with his luggage and he turned to us and literally the last words my son said to me and to us was, y'all are looking at me like you've never seen me again. He hugged us.

and walked down the driveway, flashed his peace sign and got in the car.

So that one took a long time to wrap my head around.

Robert Poirier (1:00:01)
So I've made it one hour.

Stephen Panus (1:00:03)
Yeah.

Robert Poirier (1:00:05)
We're

wrapping up and you had to do that. ⁓

Stephen Panus (1:00:10)
He had to do that. Yeah.

Robert Poirier (1:00:11)
Wow.

Yeah, and I can't think of a, can't.

I thank you for sharing that. I do.

Stephen Panus (1:00:22)
Thanks for having me on, Robert. I appreciate it.

Robert Poirier (1:00:24)
Steven, I thank you. I thank you for coming on. I thank you for doing all that you're doing. I just, you know, if I could, would give all three, well, I guess all four of you a hug.

praying for you guys and you know, I look forward to hopefully meeting you guys one day in person. I mean, I really do and might have to come to South Carolina for a game. And yeah, we'll have to meet up there. I'll have to find out when you guys are going to game and have to meet up. Definitely have to do that. But look, again, I thank you and I thank you for sharing your story. I thank you for all that you're doing. ⁓

Stephen Panus (1:00:43)
special level tonight.

Amen. It's a great experience. You sure?

Robert Poirier (1:01:04)
I have not read it yet, but from all the reviews, ⁓ you know, highly recommend walk on, ⁓ within a week, I'll be able to legitimately recommend it. and look, thank you again for coming on and thank you all for listening to the dad to dad's podcast. You can find us on Spotify or Apple, Apple, ⁓ as well as most platforms. You can also find us on YouTube and Instagram.

Don't forget to hit the like and subscribe button as well as leave a comment. I read every comment. I love the suggestions and the feedback that you guys provide. And I look forward to talking with you all next time.